Heartstrings of Motherhood
The past few months, I’ve enjoyed the beginning of motherhood immensely. I’ve never been the motherly type, so I wasn’t quite sure how well I was going to adjust to this new role. It’s absolutely beautiful when women know, from a very early age, that they want to be a mom. When they’re little they play with dolls and pretend to be the mama. As they get older, they love holding babies and babysitting. As adults, they are eager to start a family. I have friends who, when asked as a child what they wanted to be when they grew up, said “a mother.”
It was different for me, though. Yes, I played with dolls and babysat the neighborhood kids. Yet I never really had my sights set on motherhood. When I thought about the future, I saw myself in a dark suit, carrying a briefcase (when those were a thing), walking into a corner office with an assistant bringing me coffee and running through the day’s schedule. Not to say that I didn’t want children. I did. It just wasn’t what I pictured when I dreamed about my future. I wanted to be a news anchor. Maybe have my own TV show. Or a magazine editor. Event planner. Marketing for consumer products. The list goes on.
Last year when my husband, Jonathan, and I found out we were pregnant, we were overjoyed. Though pretty early on in my pregnancy, I started thinking about how this would affect my career. I became nervous to share my news at work and instinctively wanted to separate my pregnancy from my work, despite my employer’s and colleagues’ responses of support and celebration. I had worked so hard to get to this point, to have a seat at the table. Would my chair still be there after my maternity leave? Or worse, would someone else be sitting in it?
As time progressed my worries only became heightened. Despite being assured my role was secure and they would be excited to have me back, at a time that best works for me, the fear still lingered as to how much would change in my absence. Once my leave began, I was reflecting on how it felt to be away from work and why I had been struggling so much leading up to it. I thought I was nervous about whether there would still be the same place for me upon my return. But ultimately, I was scared about how motherhood would change me, not about whether my role and influence would remain.
I wondered; would my career still feel as important? How much would I care about it once I had something else that felt so much more significant? My job has been the biggest part of my identity (not great, I know). I’ve had a give-it-all-you’ve-got mentality. Now, how was I going to give these two roles–marketing VP and mom to Ivy Mae–all I’ve got, at the same time?
At the root of all these questions and feelings of uncertainty was the concern about how I would manage it all. Do it all. Have it all. And whether I would even want to. For so long we’ve heard that women can have it all. A successful career. A strong marriage. Motherhood. And so on. I wasn’t quite sure that was true. After wrestling with this, while I don’t have all the answers, there are a few things I know to be true for me.
My identity is different now. Motherhood has forever changed me–significantly. It has cracked my heart wide open in all the most amazing ways. And at this time in my life, my primary role is mom. No one else can be mom to Ivy Mae. Yet having this new role doesn’t necessarily make my career role less significant. It will force me to create some boundaries with my work where in some cases few have existed. Because my little girl needs me, my time, my energy, my presence. And she’s going to need me in this way for only so long.
We can have it all, or most of it, anyway. But not on our own, and perhaps not all at once. That saying, “it takes a village.” I get it now. It really does. I must be able to ask for and accept help and give myself grace as I transition back to work. Like anything new, this balancing act will take a while to get used to. It definitely won’t be perfect. Not even close. I’ll miss things at home because I’m working and things at work because I’m home. But by leaning on my village and giving myself grace, I hope to be both best mother and leader I can.
And will my work still feel as important? That is yet to be seen. But all the while I’ve been focusing on tummy time, diaper changes and everything else newborn related, I’ve still had my job, and the projects I left behind, on my mind. It still feels important and significant to me.
As I emerge from this caring-for-a-newborn bubble, now my challenge and my opportunity are to take the ways in which motherhood is changing me and allow them to show up in other aspects of my life, including my work. I’m softer now. And more patient. Perhaps more empathetic and understanding. I now prefer a slower pace and can relate to people in ways I never could before. These are wonderful changes that will enhance my career and relationships if I embrace them.
I’ve also now experienced first-hand the difficulty of navigating the healthcare system on behalf of someone else. We can and must do better. And as a healthcare executive I will push to create improved, more simplified experiences.
After all, I want my daughter to see an example in me. I want her to see someone who is hardworking and passionate. Sensitive and strong. Someone who is contributing to the world in multiple ways, as a mother at home and a leader at work. Someone who is learning and making mistakes and doing better as I know better. I want her to see that many roles and experiences are attainable. She can have it all. Though not all at once and not on her own. Because it really does take a village. And I’m forever grateful for mine.
Written by: Janelle Ullrich
Janelle Ullrich is mama to Ivy Mae, who was born in May. Originally from Lodi, Janelle returned to the community after earning a bachelor’s degree from Azusa Pacific University and has held various marketing positions during the last 15 years. She has an MBA from Pepperdine University and currently serves as vice president of marketing for Adventist Health, a faith-based, not-for-profit health system comprised of 23 hospitals in California, Oregon and Hawaii. Janelle is married to Jonathan Ullrich and together they enjoy spending time with family and friends, being on the beautiful Mokelumne River and visiting Lake Tahoe. Janelle is passionate about mentorship and advancing women’s leadership.
