My Spouse’s Kids ARE My Kids
The odds are great that children in the U.S. will grow up in a blended family. Half of all children will experience their parents divorcing. Only about one-third of
unmarried couples still live together five years after having a baby. When you analyze the data, many children are raised in a home with at least one step-parent or co-parent. Blending families can be challenging; however, the process of developing this unit can be rewarding.
“The nuclear family that we once knew as mom, dad and siblings is now an old-school model, and I believe Gen X might have been the last ones to recognize this unit as the norm,” noted Gregory Nawalanic, PsyD, clinical director of psychology and behavioral, the University of Kansas Health System. “However, today, blended or non-traditional family units are becoming increasingly more common.”
Open and honest communication in this new unit is the best chance that a blended family will succeed, relying on love, support and empathy at all levels. “It’s important for the individuals who divorce to recognize that you fell in love with this person and decided to build a family with them. Just because it didn’t work out, don’t fall into the trap of the warfare of divorce, the negativity and anger. Sure, the transition can hurt, but I remind my patients to step beyond the hurt and into a place of healing, and put your kids first,” said Dr. Nawalanic. “Remind yourself that your ex-partner was a gift you gave to yourself years ago and that positivity can come back to you. Because the nastier you try to make it, they have an incentive to do the same. You can fall into this tit-for-tat battle. Anything you can do to diffuse that upfront, to be more loving, understanding and the more clearly communicative you can be, the greater the opportunity for success.”
At some point, parents must move beyond the idea that a blended family is not about the broken relationship but about the children that come from those relationships. However, in some cases, a parent goes overboard by offering expensive gifts or experiences in an attempt to better themselves with the children. “Try to prioritize the children without spoiling them. If there are going to be big gifts, engage the other side and share the reward of the gift. Maybe you even split the cost,” he noted. “Now, it becomes the shared experience of the reward. That way you’re making it about the child. Because it comes from both sets of parents it makes it special for the child. Collaborative or shared gifting allows the child to openly and genuinely celebrate the gift and feel the love from both sides.”
When it comes to parenting blended families, individuals can have several different relationships that they must manage. The offspring can come from your own children, siblings of your children, step-children and siblings of step-children. The groupings can be overwhelming. Then throw into the mix all the parents of each of these sets. The key to navigating these waters can be how you react to different situations that emerge.
“Focus on the emotional connection. Keep in mind that while you may have struggles, be the better parent or better spouse now to avoid all the things that you may wind up having to adjust to in a blended family situation down the road,” remarked Dr. Nawalanic. “Every day you spend with your child or step-child, you’re laying the groundwork for the future of that relationship. If you choose to be needlessly harsh or overly critical, imagine the worst of your behavior and consider that in the context of your relationship with your child in the future. Remember, you reap what you sow.”
The situation can feel overpowering but with the right tools and support, blended families can be gratifying. Dr. Nawalanic offers a few ideas for success. “The clearer, more direct and kinder the communications, the better, especially when dealing with holidays and birthdays. They come up every year and are ordinarily fraught with emotion. But these can be your Super Bowl moments. Your actions can contribute to positive memories and create enjoyable emotional experiences. Put more effort into the front end to make them happen.
“Parenting in a blended family can be difficult at times. When you have a disagreement with your ex or even your current spouse, take a moment and have a conversation away from the children. As you address issues, don’t use ‘you’ statements that put words into other people’s mouths. Be open, honest and fair in your communications.
“Work on being as open-minded as you can. Don’t judge on appearance or in the context of a battle. Recognize that the other part of this family is here because they are seen as valuable and loving by the people you love. Find common ground rather than what’s disparate.”
