Just Sayin’

My preoccupation with death started when I was five. 

My siblings and I were staying at my grandparent’s house when she died. We had just eaten lunch. She made my favorite, her homemade mac and cheese. I can picture us all at the table. I remember her excusing herself to go rest. She said she wasn’t feeling well.

The next memory I have is my grandfather walking out to the living room, looking pale, throwing his hands up and simply saying, “That’s it. She’s gone.” 

From that moment on, everything felt uncertain. I was sure every illness would lead to death. I was terrified to go to school or sleepovers, sure my parents would die while I was away. 

I’ve never really spoken about this except to my mom and sister. In a weird way it feels good to get that out! Seeing it typed out honestly puts everything in perspective. Anxiety comes from somewhere. I think that’s where mine originated. 

I say all that to say this. Since I took charge of my mental health seven months ago, I haven’t thought about dying, not at all. I haven’t worried that every strange feeling is the first sign of a deadly disease. I joked about my hypochondria a lot. But it wasn’t funny. I was so busy worrying about dying that I wasn’t LIVING. 

If you’re in it right now, stuck in the repetitive thoughts, scared, please stay strong! I never imagined I could live a life wwithout constant fear and horrible thoughts. But, here I am.

Get help. Be your own advocate. There’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. But, after 42 years of suffering, I did it. I found true inner peace.

Written by: Q104 personality Jenny Matthews

Jenny Matthews co-hosts The Morning Drive with Mike Kellar + Jenny Matthews on Q104 New Hit Country, weekday mornings from 6 – 10am. Connect at www.jennymatthewsonair.com and check out The Morning After with Mike Kellar + Jenny Matthews podcast!